The Bad Hatter/Transcript
Peepers: Sir, what were you thinking, giving Dominator flowers?! Lord Hater: Girls are supposed to like flowers. It's her stupid fault she doesn't know that! Should've given her a cooler gift, like chocolates, or maybe a toaster. Peepers: No! No presents for the enemy! Wander: Wake up, Syl. It's a beautiful morning. I got just the thing to stop your... snornin'! Oh, no! Where's my banjo? Banjo? Banjo! Banjo? Sylvia: Uh, buddy, everything okay? Wander:Where's my banjo? Sylvia: Banjo? Where's your hat? Wander: Oh, no, my chapeau! Peepers: Now I want you to go to your room and think about what you've done! Lord Hater: Oh, yeah? You go to your room and think about what you've done! LOVE KILLER! Stupid Peepers doesn't understand me. Doesn't care about my needs. Oh, no, no, no, no! Wander, I'm really upset right now! The last thing I need is your stupid sunshine games. Raah! Get out of there! What the what? Oh, yeah. That hits the spot. Kinda dry. Wander, if this is some kind of trick... Oh, this is exactly what I needed. Oh, my grop, it's magic! It's a magic hat that can give me exactly what I need... to impress Dominator! (Freeze title) Wander: Ah, silly me, it's probably under this rock. Or maybe under this rock. I know. It's under this rock. Or this rock. Or this rock. Or this rock. Or this rock or- Sylvia: Maybe try retracing your steps. Wander: Super duper idea. We'll just orbble back to the last planet-- No hat, no orbble juice. Well, then I'll just check the map-- No hat, no map. Okay, an inspirational ditty should lift my spirits-- No hat, no banjo. No hat! No hat, no map. No hat, no orbble juice. No hat, NO WANDER!! Sylvia: Easy, buddy. Easy. The hat is just a thing. I've never known you to get so worked up over stuff. Wander: You're right, Sylvia. It's only a silly hat. Sylvia: That's the spirit. Oh, grop. We gotta find that hat. Lord Hater: So, magic hat, I have this friend named Hater-- I mean Schmater. And I-- I mean, my friend kind of likes this girl. And I-- I mean, he was wondering what one would need to make her fall in love with me-- him! "Overcoming Your Severe Temper." "Not Being A Jerk For Jerks." "How To Accept Your Flaws And Change Your Entire Personality So You're A Totally Different Person"?! Come on, hat! Girls don't like to read! What will make her happy? Fine, Mr. Smarty Hat. What's the one thing she likes the least? Just give me what I need! Breath mints? Sylvia: Come on, buddy. If your old hat's gone, we will find a new one you like just as much. I forthwith hereby proclaim this hat to be most agreeable. Pip, pip. A chapeau is merely a construct of the mind, is it not? Hat's great! Best headpiece! Hat's great. Best headpiece. Why, I do declare! Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah Sylvia: You did it, Wander! That one is perfect. Do you feel better? Wander: But my... hat... is... GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... Lord Hater: So, hat, if you won't give me what I want, you should feel the wrath of my hat rack! Good one, me. Now girls! Gimme something for girls! Fuzzy? Pink? Now we're talkin'. More! More! Gimme more stuff girls like! Lipstick. Salads. A bag of glitter. Dominator will love these! What else? What else? Ooh, I know. A unicorn! Yes!! So stupid, so girly. Wander: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!! Sylvia: Okay, okay. You want your old hat back. Wander: I want to like these, Sylvia, I really do. But none of them have that same magic. Hat Store Owner: Somebody say magic? We sell those. Wander: Huh. Firm. Tall. Voluminous. Can you pull stuff out of it? Hat Store Owner: Of course. Go ahead. Wander: Sylvia, look. Just like my hat. What else will it give you? Items that you need and not what you want, forcing you to improvise and take things as they come, sort of like a physical manifestation of the challenges we all face in life? A banjo? Hat Store Owner: Hmm, pretty much handkerchiefs. Wander: But it's magic? Hat Store Owner: Not real magic. You know how rare those are? Son, if I had a real magic hat, I'd never let it out of my sight ever. Lord Hater: Mrs. Dominator Hater. Hey, hat, monogram some Mrs. Hater towels for me. Thanks. Peepers: Sir, a unicorn is chewing up the engine room! What is going on?! Is that what I think it is? Lord Hater: It's not a magical, mystical hat that gives you anything you want, if that's what you're implying. Shut up, it's mine! I need it to conquer Dominator's heart. Peepers: Conquer her heart? We can use this to actually conquer her. Lord Hater: But it's really good at making lady presents. Peepers: Forget presents! We can make super weapons. Lord Hater: Gifts, gifts. Nightgowns and baby dolls and leg hair wax. She will be mine! Peepers: Weapons, weapons. Bazookas and laser blasters and sonic cannons. The universe will be mine! Uh-oh. Sylvia: Really? You're sure you're fine? Wander: Yeah. I just have to face we're not gonna find my hat, and I'll never replace it. But knowing that old hat, it's probably out there helping some other deserving soul who needs it more than me. I guess, from now on, I'm just regular old Wander, the guy with nothing on his noggin. Oh. Sylvia: Did not see that coming. Wander: My hat! Sylvia: Whoa, whoa, what makes you think the hat is up there? Wander: 'Cause this is exactly what happened when I stole it. Sylvia: Wa When you what?! - You stole something? Wander: Back in my past, I wandered to a galaxy in the middle of a civil war. Two former allies discovered the hat could give them wonderful things, but they got too greedy and turned against each other. In an attempt to conquer the galaxy, they forced the hat to give them whatever they wanted without a thought to how the poor, helpless hat felt. I felt so bad for it, I did the only thing I could. I took it, and kept it safe on my head. Eventually, it learned to trust me and was nice enough to help me. Sylvia: And right now, we need to help it. Wander: But how? We don't have orbble juice. Lord Hater: What do we do, what do we do?! Peepers: Sir, get rid of the hat! Lord Hater: But I still haven't found the perfect thing-- Peepers: Sir! Wander: My hat! Hey, Hater. I was wondering, if it's not too much trouble, if I could get my-- Lord Hater: Take it! Wander: Oh. Hey, thanks. Lord Hater: Sure. No problem! Wander: That's really nice of you. Lord Hater: Whatever! It's fine! Wander: Okay. Lord Hater: Okay! Wander: Okay. Lord Hater: Okay! Wander: Okay. Lord Hater: Okay! Wander:Okay. Lord Hater: Okay, fine! Just get outta here, take that stupid hat with you! Wander: Okay. Wander: This hat may give me whatever I need, but it turns out what I really need is my hat. Sylvia: Looks like it needs you, too, pal.